Graduation Feels
My Journey
My partner’s job moved us to Fresno, and I had a difficult time finding my way again. Uprooting my life, finding a new normal, getting a job, and back into the flow of life again is hard. Really hard. However, I had tools in place after my first cross country move from Kansas to Berkley, CA that I knew would help me plug into a flow quicker. Continue meditating, find a yoga studio, and get a job with community. Eventually I gained all of those things, and I felt as my life was back in balance. I was finally at peace with my move, the surroundings, and myself and a miracle was gifted to me.
I was driving east on Friant, and I had one of those breakthrough moments where a vision was shared with me while my breath was taken away. The picture that was painted that it was time for me to go back to school as a family nurse practitioner student. Find a school. Do it now. Move forward. After I received that message, I sat with why would I want to do an adult program when I have had a career in pediatrics my entire life? Growth and challenge was the message I received. I realized I wanted to evolve with learning more about the adult population, and at the time I thought I would end up in either the pediatric or women’s health realm.
It’s funny how things work out. I was accepted into Fresno Pacific University, and during my first semester I had so many pings of wanting to drop out because I held so much doubt within myself that this was the career path for me. I held an immense amount of fear due to the increase in leadership and the actual role of becoming a provider. Was I good enough? Could I handle it? Two fear-based mentalities that I have been handling my entire life.
Clinicals came around June 2021, and my mentality changed. I started at Charlie Mitchell Clinic at Valley Children’s Hospital (a complex care pediatric clinic). I was excited going to clinicals because I was enthralled with the hands-on learning! I actually surprised myself by how amped I was being in a different role, and my fear of being a provider started to dissipate. I was finally leaning into and accepting my capabilities of the responsibilities of higher education into becoming a provider. I finally felt grounded and comfortable with the path that I had chosen.
My first day with adults – October 14, 2021 – in my primary care rotation actually shook me. I remember having a knot in my stomach thinking, “How am I supposed to take care of adults?” (I had been working with children for seven years and my first rotation was in a complex care pediatric clinic!) I showed up to Elite Wellness when the wildfires were raging in the Central Valley, and clinic was non-stop with people coming in with sinus infections. Thankfully the first day, I was going in to see patients rapid fire with my preceptor, Michelle, and to my surprise I was having a blast talking with adults. It felt so natural to be able to communicate with someone that could express their point of view that you could naturally understand. Then i was just in the position of service in thinking “How can I help you today?”
Days turned to weeks. Weeks turned to months, and I was reborn as a completely new confident person that I had not recognized. It was not only a professional gift I needed, but a personal one as well. Somehow, clinicals pushed me to be a better person — mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I continued to hold space for adults as they would talk to me about the challenges in their life and share extremely personal stories along with the ones that had an acute event and were in and out within 15 minutes. My heart cracked open with this, as I was on the receiving end of being the person trying to help. What a gift to be fulfilled helping others return back to homeostasis.
I believe my preceptor, Michelle, is a human form angel that was gifted to me to receive higher learning in a manner that served me best. Every day I came to clinicals, I learned, I grew, I evolved, and I took constructive feedback. Let me tell you, it is so dang wonderful to have someone in life that can support evolving your profession while being so damn great in their own professional flow? It truly is amazing, and I could not express my deepest gratitude for how she’ll leave an everlasting impact in my heart.
Breakthrough Miracle
Fast-forward to the end of my rotations when I was seeing quite a bit of depression and anxiety patients in clinic. Something about those conversations, initial appointments, and follow ups really held a special place in my heart. I kept feeling that I could have a rewarding career in this unique patient population. I opened to the feeling of “Is this what I want to do for my career?” Then, I found a post master’s psychiatry program that was taking applications for their psychiatric mental health nurse practitioner (PMHNP) post master’s program, and if I get in I could start January 2023.
Driving home, I envisioned my future practice: how I was feeling, who would be surrounding me, what my patient community would be, and how I was living a fulfilling life.
Mentally I was shouting to myself…
MENTAL HEALTH!
MENTAL HEALTH!
MENTAL HEALTH!
Seeing people fill out PHQ-9 & GAD-7.
Seeing my initial patients.
Seeing my follow ups.
Seeing the deep conversations.
Seeing the breakthroughs.
Seeing the lows.
Seeing the highs.
Being there for all of it.
BOOM.
My own miraculous breakthrough!
Tears streaming down my face.
Heart cracked wide open.
This is it.
I am loving awareness.
I am meant to serve the psychiatry mental health population.
I am where I am meant to be.
More tears.
Fully connected to my dharma.
Future Self
It’s my dream to be published in the Journal of Holistic Nursing and to continue to conduct primary research, focusing on interventions in meditation, breathwork, yoga, and sound meditation to provide evidence-based information regarding the positive impacts that holistic modalities have on perceived stress, general well-being, anxiety, depression, and insomnia. I know I will weave in Dr. Jean Watson’s theory of human caring caritas into my practice to help empower and educate my future patients to take care of themselves through practicing breathwork, sound meditations, yoga, and yoga nidras to reach a higher consciousness perspective that shines an inward light of awareness on how they can facilitate deeper healing that ultimately comes from within.
It’s my dream to serve a psychiatric patient population that wishes to collaborate with me to cultivate their own path towards achieving their aligned health and wellness: mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I believe that I can be a nurse practitioner that can be the change I wish to see in the world, through impacting my patient population and also serving as a leader in my community by pushing legislation to continue to fight for equal rights for access to mental health care, especially in rural populations.
I am currently applying to the UC Davis PMHNP program and I plan to find a mental health practice, company or organization that has a mission statement that aligns with my goals, values, and leadership capabilities as a double boarded nurse practitioner in family practice and psychiatry. My personal practice as a provider will be rooted in integrity, compassion, and clear communication synthesized with providing a safe and evidence-based practice that incorporates utilizing preventative modalities, psychotherapy, and medication management to an underserved psychiatric patient population. I believe this type of holistic framework is the most comprehensive, functional, and patient centered model that will allow patients to feel safe and supported while they are in collaboration with their individualized treatment plan.
